I'm being irrational, right?

My parents are planning on moving from Cheeseland to Dixie. The way they are talking, they are planning on doing this before next Winter because this last Winter was just too much for senior citizens.

Why Dixie? Because my sister lives there with her family. My mom will tell me that she really liked Dixie when we lived there for 11 months 30 years ago but I believe it has everything to do with the fact that my sister is there. I mean, they're considering buying a home in the same subdivision as my sister. How could I think anything else???

Why do I believe that? Because my mom and my sister have had this special bond their entire life. I am and always have been an outsider in their relationship. My relationship was with my dad who, as he's gotten older, has withdrawn more and more since he really can't hear anything. I have tried to build my relationship with my mom. We have gone to plays downtown. We have gone to the Wisconsin State Fair. We did the Breast Cancer Walk. We took my daughter to see a children's performance of Aladdin. We used to go to big craft sales. I have said she should let me know when she wanted to go outlet mall shopping but I never hear anything. She never calls me to do anything.

Why do I think I'm an outsider and not just the way my mom is? Because I can be sitting in the same room trying to participate in a conversation they're having and can't even get their attention.

Moms love all of their children equally, don't they? I have always wanted to believe this but I'm at the point that I'm realizing it may not be the case.

1. When I told my mom that I was pregnant with my son, there was almost no reaction from her. A couple weeks later, they met us for dinner to basically apologize for not reacting. When my mom was holding my son before the nurses took him away and I never saw him again, my mom apologized to him for not seeming very excited about him but that she really did love him.

2. My daughter was born a couple years later, 5 months after my nephew. My mom gave each of them a book called "At Grandmas". My mom wrote in my nephew's book "To the love of my life" and in my daughter's book "To the other love of my life". My daughter and my husband have never noticed this inscription. I did and it eats at me all the time. I tried to convince myself that it was because my nephew was the first live-born grandchild so he was more special ... then my niece was born.

3. When my nephew was younger, my sister and brother-in-law lived in Michigan. My mom and dad would make great efforts to get over there for long weekends. They would babysit, at my sister's house, for my nephew. I would get the same number of visits but they would be for 2 maybe 3 hours at a time. My mom would use the excuse that my dad was tired or they'd plan to drive out to Rockford to see my aunt. Then, mom didn't understand why my daughter wasn't as comfortable with them as my nephew was. Gee, Mom, maybe it's because you don't spend any real time with her and you never do anything with her. This has improved in the last few years. They have never babysat my DD in her own house where she's more comfortable; it's always at their house.

4. My sister moved to Dixie. They go down there 2 or 3 times a year for 4-5 day weekends. The last time they were at my house was in January because my sister was in town for work and they were going to dinner with us. (It has to be noted that this meant that they'd have to drive back to Cheeseland in the dark. Whenever they're visiting with my family, they've got to leave to get home before it gets dark.) Before that, it for my daughter's birthday in December and I had to beg them to hang around for more than just breakfast with us. Before that for her christening and I had to beg them to come down for more than just the mass. Otherwise, I go up there and sit in their family room and talk.

5. My niece was born. She's a sweetie but my mom talks like she is just the greatest thing since sliced bread. G can do no wrong as far as my mom is concerned. Actually, outside of my nephew's temper tantrums, neither of the kids can do any wrong. I do not know if she talks the same about my DD to my sister or not.

6. My parents' dog ripped up my bathroom door in September when I watched her and I tried to get them to come down for a day to replace it when my daughter was out of school so that I wouldn't have to take more time off of work. They were already going to Dixie to help my sister after she had surgery on her toe. They never tried to reschedule it with me and the door is still ripped up.

7. When my DH scheduled his golf trip, I tried to schedule a couple of days for them to come down and help me around the house with painting and electric repairs. They've done quite a bit of this work for my sister in all three of her houses. I have only asked a couple of times for this assistance. I asked a couple of months before he was leaving. In March, my mom dislocated her shoulder and broke her arm. They scheduled a trip to Dixie during the week that DH would be gone. I figured that it was just because my mom wouldn't be able to help me and that they had forgotten I was also wanting help with woodworking and electrics. I was trying to give my mom a hard time about going to extreme lengths to not help me with my painting. She made the comment "well, you always want to schedule it around when [DH] isn't going to be home." That really hit from out of nowhere.

DH is not the most friendly person and neither is my mom. So, I think they're both waiting for the other to make this huge, grandiose effort that will never come. I believe he has a bit of social anxiety and he really only opens up when he's had a few beers. My parents are not drinkers. My mom feels that DH doesn't want them here. DH never says anything of the sort and, in his way, tries to make them welcome by offering drinks, asking questions about stuff around the house, talking politics, talking sports.

Based on the recent comments about how DH doesn't seem to want them here, I have come to believe that my mom was not happy about DS because it would forever link me to DH. I have come to believe that my mom is not as happy about my DD because she is half DH.

Now, when they move to Dixie, based on the comments about DH, I am wondering if my parents will EVER travel to Flatland to see me. And, if they do, is it only going to be for a couple of hours after their flight lands? Am I going to have to do all of the traveling for my DD to see them? And how much is that going to cost me at a time when I'm trying to pay down my debt? Plus, right now, I don't get enough vacation time to make more than one trip a year. And how am I going to explain it to my DD, who now loves to go to Grandma's House, that Grandma and Papa have moved 900 miles away so we can only seem them once or twice a year but they live less than 5 miles from her cousins and they get to see them every day?

I'm being irrational, right?

This too shall pass

My cousin and his wife are having a baby. I am very happy for them. I have been invited to a baby shower for them on April 18.

They've been married for 4 years and have been trying since they got married to get pregnant. And they've been successful ... more than once. Unfortunately, his wife (would she officially be my cousin-in-law??) has a problem with uterine fibroids and she has miscarried each of her pregnancies.

This is the first time she's carried the baby past the first trimester. They've announced to the world that they are having a baby. They are due in July. They are having a boy. There is a baby shower this month because she may be on bedrest for the remainder of her pregnancy. When this pregnancy is done, she will most likely have a hysterectomy so this really is their only chance to have a baby.

However, because of the fibroids, there is a chance that there may be something wrong with their son. My cousin doesn't want to know. His take on it is "and what are we going to do if there is something wrong with him?"

So, they are going through this pregnancy with the stress of knowing that their son may not be healthy, knowing that their son may not make it, knowing this is their last chance regardless of the outcome. I know the stress of two out of three of these stresses; although, there's always a chance the baby will not be healthy or that the baby may not make it. This is a reality that no one really talks about.

I wish I could be happier for them than I am. I am worried for them, of course, but that is not from where my hesitation comes. My hesitation comes in the name they have chosen for their son ... Jeffrey Edward. You see, that is the name of my son who was born on April 24. The anniversary of his birth will be just 6 short days after the shower.

It's such a simple, common name and, yet, the name brings up such emotion in me. They mean no malice. They probably don't even remember that this was the name of my son for they weren't married at the time we lost him. They may not even remember I have a son. They are simply naming their son after the grandfathers.

My cousin (his mom) is very upset about the name they have chosen and feels caught between a rock and a hard place. She can't ask them to change the name of their son and, yet, she remembers that this is the name of my son and worries about how I will react. I am grateful that someone remembers him. So often it feels like I am the only one that remembers him.

I wish I could say it doesn't bother me but it does. But, as with everything surrounding my Jeffrey, this too shall pass.

The Immortal Parent (Epilogue)

My dad does have an aortic aneurysm. It is 3.7cm in size and not big enough to operate on. Because my dad is in good health and does not have high blood pressure, the doctor doesn't want to see him about the aneurysm for another 5 years at which time they'll measure it again.

The Immortal Parent

Reality has come to Flatland. My parents are mortal ... or, at least my dad is mortal.

This week we were delivered a crushing blow ... 'they' think my 85 year old dad has an aortic aneurysm. The 'they' in the story is the Veterans Association. He uses them for the routine medical stuff to save money. Unfortunately, the wheels of the VA move about as quickly as the wheels of justice.

My dad went in December for a check up and they heard something with his heart and wanted x-rays to check it out. Well, it was right before Christmas and realizing he'd probably forget to go after the holidays, he went right upstairs and got them done.

Just as he figured, he forgot about them.

About 6 weeks later, he gets a call that they want to do a cat scan of his heart for more information. He asked when the results would be ready and was told later that week or early the following week. 10days later, he hadn't heard anything so he tried to call. The calling thing went on for a few days until he got ahold of one woman who said that if he didn't hear from Nurse Bitch #1 (OK, so the woman on the phone didn't actually call her that but I am) by noon the following day, he should call her and gave him her name and number. Well, Nurse Bitch #1, that he was told would give him his results, finally called but said that she couldn't give them to him and that he needed to talk to Nurse Bitch #2 (again, my name).

Frustrated, he went out to get the mail after hanging up and there was a letter from the VA telling him he had another test (probably an MRI) scheduled for Tuesday and an appointment with the Department of Cardiac Surgery on Thursday.

My dad, now freaked and furious, calls the VA again. He gets transferred all over (which only makes him angrier) and finally gets a guy who tells him "If I were you, I'd call the Dept of Cardiac Surgery and ask what you are being seen for." He does and finds out that he's being seen for a potential aortic aneurysm.

Now, these can be very dangerous. Depending on where and how large, they may be able to put a graft in or they may not even be able to operate. If it's small enough, they could decide to keep it monitored. My husband's uncle died of a ruptured aortic aneurysm while driving a few years back. On the other hand, a friend's dad has had one for 2 years that they're monitoring because it's small and not growing. The good news is that it was found before it ruptured because there are almost no symptoms with this ailment.

The kicker of the whole thing is that NO ONE has talked to him about it. NO ONE has told him what he should do until it is confirmed and/or treated. Should he take it easy? Should he just be lying down all the time? Should he be running a marathon? Should he be making sure his affairs are in order (which we already know they are)? He most probably has a ticking time bomb somewhere in his torso and no one from the "successful" social medicine experiment known as the VA has talked to him about it ... but they've set up appointments for him. In the two months now since the x-rays, he has shoveled snow, done his woodworking side business, exercised for the sake of his health, painted, tiled, and gotten the house ready for sale in the Fall. Could any of these things caused the aneurysm to rupture?

While I am overwhelmed by fear and anger and sadness, I can only imagine what he is feeling. I mean, my head knows that my parents are human and they're going to die someday. At 85, I should be happy for the many, many years I have had with my dad. But, down deep in my heart, in my gut, I secretly hope they're immortal and will live forever. This event has made me realize this. It is a bitter pill to swallow because I want more. I'm not ready to say goodbye but this has forced me to acknowledge the fact that I'm going to have to ... someday.

So, there you have it. My dad is mortal. My dad is human. I'm just desperately trying not to freak out about it.

Clean-Up Saturday

The first day of cleaning went pretty well.

The kid made a good first pass at cleaning her bedroom. I then worked with her and sorted through everything to get it put away.

My husband cleaned up the living room ... sorta. At least he cleaned up some of the living room. He left the table next to the laptop for me.

I spent the rest of the day working on cleaning out the kitchen and dining room. I took everything out of the china cabinet and wiped it down. I cleaned up the kid's desk, books, games. I cleaned up my pantry. I cleaned up my pot cabinet. I sorted through the things that were laying on the kitchen counter.

The hubby helped where he could. He even made the kid pick up her toys and put them away when she was done with them. Until now, that hasn't been something he's been willing to really enforce. Hopefully this trend continues.

I wish I could say I finished but I didn't. I worked from 10:00am - 6:00pm and didn't finish. My house is, was, truly a disaster. I haven't been real great at keeping it picked up for the last couple years and last month was even worse between being sick and Christmas. So, I made dinner, got the kid in for a bath, did a load of laundry, cleaned up the entryway and crashed. I did wake up in the middle of the night and cleaned off a bit of the microwave but that's about it.

I will now take the kid to breakfast, stop to pick up some organization needs, and come home to work on the house some more. I am shooting to have the house completely picked up by lunch so I can clean the floors, work on laundry and get ready to face the rat race tomorrow.

First Attempt

Well, my first announcement went over like a lead balloon. Hubby and the kid were all for Clean-up Saturday but, when I mentioned that it was not just Clean-up Saturday it was also Keep-It-Clean all the time, he seemed less than thrilled. I did it as though I had been talking to the kid and he didn't seem happy. I said that I had told her "We all live in this house and so we all need to take responsibility for what we do because it's frustrating to go to do something and have to do the clean-up from the last time it was done."

Shortly after that, he came out of the bedroom and asked what I was making. Since we haven't been shopping as a couple in, oh, two months, I had 2 hamburger patties and some Kraft Mac&Cheese. He wasn't happy with that for dinner so he went for a burrito ... 45min ago. The going out for something other than what I've made for dinner is one of his regular moves ... but it's not usually a 45min trip unless he's going gambling too. Schmuck!

This is going to be rough.

New Year's Resolutions

I have been very bad about my blogging. It's not something I think of first but it is something that I enjoy ... even if there's only one or two people reading what I'm writing.

So, I've decided to put my New Year's resolutions in writing and hopefully they will be paid more attention.

• Get my house picked up and kept picked up. This is not an easy thing for me because, as soon as I get the main living spaces picked up and cleaned, my husband and daughter come home. By the time we go to bed, the rooms are a disaster again. The kid is expected but the hubby does not help to keep things clean. He is the one that opens the junk mail and sets it on the table rather than throw it in the garbage. He empties the dishwasher and sets the Tupperware on the counter or dumps the pots and pans in the cabinet wherever they fit. So, to get my house clean and KEEP IT THAT WAY, I will need to begin to nag when things are not picked up or put away.
  
• Pay off my debt. As of today, I have to start using only cash for everything. I need to stop using my credit cards completely. If I don't have the cash, I don't buy it or do it. As I began to discuss in my blog posts, my husband is a gambler and has given very little thought to the household and whether we have enough money. His bottom line is, and has always been, that he wants the debt paid down but he doesn't (or at least didn't) recognize how much he was spending and felt that I had all of the adjustments to make to my spending. So, he wanted me to completely stop spending but he did not change his habits at all. I tried to make him understand how much money he was really burning through and took the same amount out of our checking account that he did. We had nothing in the account in no time. After many, many fights, I began to use his gambling to rationalize my shopping, entertainment, whatever else I want to charge because I was trying to make myself matter to my husband and make him realize that I earn my paycheck and should be able to spend money too. In September, we separated our checking account. I slowed way down on my spending because I no longer felt I had to 'keep up with the Joneses' with my spending. We now have my debt, our debt and his debt. Christmas changed my shopping habits back to pre-split habits so now I have to get back on track. My post-debt plan is to put money into a 529 for the kid to go to college (regardless of what my husband thinks about helping her with college. Yes, he thinks she should have to get through college like we did ... in debt. I would like to assist her so that she doesn't have to start her life in debt.) and actually update our home and stop treating it like an apartment. We need new flooring, a new kitchen, a completely revamped basement, a new washer, new living room furniture, landscaping, etc.
• As part of the pay off debt resolution, I will be going grocery shopping on Wednesday evenings. Our original agreement was that we would go shopping together and then split the grocery bill except that it's not important to him. Just like our bills, all that matters to him is that we have food in the house but he doesn't think about how it's going to get there. He doesn't want to make the effort to go regularly. He wants to go 'when we need something' but he doesn't realize that we pretty much always need something. The trips to the grocery store every few days costs us more because we pick up a lot more extraneous items and do not stick to the short list. So, I haven't been shopping except when I need something to send for the kid's lunch because I cannot afford to buy groceries on my own for the family. Now, I will give him the option of going with me or just reviewing the receipt and paying me half. Either way, he will pay half of our grocery bill and we will stop eating out.
  
• Get back on track with my weight loss. Now, that's not to say that I've gained anything back. Before a couple days of noshing for the new year, I was actually down .7lbs from where I was at my doctor's appointment in November. I will behave myself again and start going to the healthclub on Monday after work. I need to do this for me.
• Clear out my clutter. I realize this is similar to the clean my house but I have a lot of clutter that I set off to the side or in the spare room with the idea I'll deal with it later. I will ruthlessly go through that clutter and get rid of what I can. I will do this because I am teaching the kid some bad habits and she is having problems letting go of her toys. How can I expect something of her that I am not willing to do myself?
• Blog more.
  

So, there you have it. Those are my resolutions. I will blog about them and hopefully that will keep me on track. 2010 is going to be a growth year!